Thursday, March 10, 2011

Get! This! Look! #1: Excessively Short Bangs

Tutorials are big on the web, and especially on Mormon mommy blogs. I figure I should start posting tutorials about random things I do, and pretty soon my traffic will grow and grow because everyone wants to know how to do these things, right? And then I will be able to monetize, monetize, monetize, and then I will be famous and go to blog conferences and eventually get a book deal and probably a TV show. It's easy.

So here's my first tutorial, which will teach you how to get your bangs to look like the way mine look in my blog header photo.



Get! This! Look! #1: Excessively Short Bangs (ESBs)


This Look! is deceptively simple. At first these Excessively Short Bangs (ESBs) might look like the result of a spur-of-the-moment self-inflicted bang trim, but they're actually the end product of a multi-step process that cost several thousand dollars, involved a few professional hairstylists, and took more than two years to complete. If you want to do ESBs right (as in, the way I did) you'll follow the steps below. Hey, I never said getting these ESBs would be easy. I only said it would be worth it. (Wait, I never said that, either.)

You might think you can skip all the hard stuff and Get! This! Look! simply by dozing off in the vicinity of a toddler who knows where to find a pair of scissors. Perhaps, but that method is by no means foolproof. You're just as likely to end up with a shorn dog or a toddler who looks like this (scroll to photos 2, 3, and 4) as you are to get ESBs of your own. Forget the shortcuts, follow my tutorial, and ensure yourself an eye-catching fringe of Excessively Short Bangs.

Before You Start: To really get this look, you should probably begin with fairly thin hair in advance of Step 1. You can try it if you have thick hair, but I can't guarantee your results will match mine. Poor you!

Step 1: Have a baby. (That's the part that costs several thousand dollars.) Your hair should now look shiny and rather full, thanks to prenatal vitamins and the hormone-induced halting of the normal shedding cycle of your hair. (The bottom few inches of your hair may be a little thin if you already went through the whole process below after your first baby.)

*Note: I do have adorable baby pictures of Beck where he looks less Gollum-ish, but this is the only one that shows my long hair.

Step 2: Wait about six months while half your hair falls out due to the phenomenon known as post-natal hair loss. Your hair should now look thin and lifeless. The ends should be especially wispy. The longest remaining strands may have now survived two rounds of post-natal hair loss. They mourn with you the loss of their many sisters who slipped down the drain or were snatched by the brush.


Step 3: Cut ten to twelve inches off your hair, in hopes that getting rid of the wispy ends will make the overall thinness less noticeable. Your hair might now bear an unfortunate resemblance to the short-hair-growing-out look you sported during the fall of 1996 -- only less full, of course. Note that your face has tried to compensate for your hair's loss of fullness by gaining fullness of its own. Your face probably thought that as long as the head still occupied the same total amount of space, no one would know the difference. Nice try, face, but you totally FAIL at optical illusions.


Step 4: Wait a few more months until the hairs that fell out grow in again to a length of 1 to 1.5 inches. You should have strange tufts of hair sticking up all over your head. These tufts should be particularly noticeable around your hairline. You might also notice that an exorbitant number of these new hairs are (gasp!) GRAY! (Stay tuned for a Get! That! Look! tutorial on how to dye your hair at home with the "assistance" of an 18-month-old and a three-year-old.)

Good from far (see above), but far from good (see below).


Step 5: Task a wary hairstylist with the impossible-to-accomplish job of camouflaging the short regrowth around your hairline. Tell her to blend the regrowth into side-swept bangs. When she tells you your bangs will have to be really short, tell her you understand. No, REALLY short, she will say. That's fine, you will say. Observe finished bangs. They are REALLY short. Do not place any blame on hairstylist. It's not her fault.

It's best if you perform this step immediately before you are scheduled to have family pictures taken, so your ESBs can be properly documented in their purest state (see blog header photo). When your sisters and mom see your hair, they should try to convince you that you look like a chic French girl. Votre mari sera moins enthusiaste.*


*Translation: Your husband is less enthusiastic.

Step 6: Write a tutorial and use it as an excuse to post a funny picture of said husband, whose backward-slouching posture and loopy grin turn him into a no-neck Muppet (but an adorable one, of course). You should probably be thankful he doesn't ever visit the blog.


And there you have it! You may repeat this process every couple of years until your family is complete and your hair is completely wrecked.

Keep in mind that wrecked hair is a small price to pay for what you get in return:



And bangs grow out after a few months anyway:


7 comments:

  1. (Grandmom) Love, love, love the look!

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  2. So your kid didn't actually cut your bangs? I'm a little disappointed, that would have been exciting. :) Being currently in the post-natal-shed stage, my hair has gotten really thin, and it was either chop it off or get a perm. So I got a perm. It's okay. I'm looking forward to someday having decent hair that is all the same length again. I'm already getting short hairs that stick up everywhere as things grow back in. Goes nicely with my 4 inch hairs from CP.

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  3. "Hey, I never said getting these ESBs would be easy. I only said it would be worth it. (Wait, I never said that, either.)"

    I must say that this part made me respect you more than ever. I had to double check with Kara that this veiled reference to fictional religious quotes was indeed intentional... but she confirmed it, and while I have always liked you, your rep has skyrocketed with me. Skyrocketed, I tell you! Rock on, Lisa!

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  4. ha! oh lisa, you kill me! way to find optamism in all things!! love you missy! can't wait to hear some more of your tutorials! :)

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  5. Ha! ha! Hilarious! Why must our hormones be linked to our hair in such terrible ways? Suffering from post-natal hair loss as well. And don't think I will ever recover. Maybe if I grow it longer and longer, no one will look at my thinning scalp and instead look at my dying ends.

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  6. I really cannot stop laughing after this! I saw the email with the picture and thought...hmm her bangs are weird, maybe its this new look I haven't embraced yet: Same with all lace shirts, high heels that look like a boot but only cover your foot, those tank tops that wear under your shirts that only cover your boobs that are trying to be cool in Utah...so I thought thats what it was.

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